Last year, I was doing some work around my money mindset, and the instructor said something that struck a very deep chord with me:
“The difference between you and a rich person is that they believe they deserve to be rich.”
In other words, the amount of money someone has doesn’t make them rich, it’s simply a state of mind.
When it comes to love, it’s the same thing:
“The difference between you and a woman in love is that they believe they deserve love.”
So it’s not the woman who has a perfect body, great job, or flirts the best that allows her to have love, it’s simply a state of mind.
I know you might be thinking, “‘Well duh, I deserve love.’ But do you really, really believe you deserve it unconditionally?” Or is there still a belief in you, big or small, that holds you back, because at the end of the day, you don’t believe you’re good enough for someone or something?
That you have to look, be, or act a certain way to be deserving of love?
Especially for successful, goal-oriented women, we can be so cruel to ourselves and set almost impossible standards. And THIS is why I believe many successful women suck at dating.
When you think you’re not good enough or that something’s wrong with you, two things happen:
On the inside, you beat yourself up about not being good enough. You shut down. And maybe even date men who reinforce your belief that you’re not good enough.
On the outside? You try to control e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.
When you were in school and at work now, you can reasonably assume that if you do X, you’ll get Y result. If you do well at work, you’ll get promoted, recognized, a nicer office, a raise, etc.
In dating, here’s how the equation works:
- Wanting to know what he’s thinking or how he feels about you so you can feel secure
- Needing to know when you’ll see him again so you can feel secure
- Obsessing with exactly what to say and when so you don’t make a fool of yourself
- Wanting certainty about whether someone is right for you because making mistakes is NOT something you do
- Needing to always have the ball in your court/last text/initiating less so you don’t embarrass yourself
None of that is fun or attractive.
The problem is, that skill that got you so far professionally ISN’T the same skill needed for successful relationships.
The equation doesn’t work anymore.
It’s an easy trap to fall into. I mean you’re smart, you’re successful, shouldn’t you also be able to figure out this part of your life too?
The need to be in control seems like it could help, but really, it only causes you more anxiety and inner turmoil. Because you and I both know, you can’t control what other people do or don’t do. What they feel or don’t feel.
The path to move forward isn’t more control or even learning more about relationships.
It’s about letting go of control, surrendering, and trusting.
This is why women who struggle in relationships fail to make progress on their own. Because they’re just using the skills they know professionally, in their personal lives, but you need a different set of skills.
I’m not saying this to frustrate you or to make you upset, it’s to let you know that you actually have to decide to do something different to override your personal wiring to make your relationships work.