Hello, and welcome to episode number 192 of The Love Life Connection Podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in. I’m super excited to be connecting with you again this week and we are moving into part two of a three part series on why high achieving women struggle in love.
Before we get there, I just want to thank you so much for listening, and for tuning in to the show. If the show has helped you in any way big ways or small, please let me know by leaving a rating or review wherever you listen to podcasts. It really helps me to grow the show, and I really just can’t thank you enough. It literally takes a second of your time. If you’re listening on Apple Podcast, all you have to do is scroll down from the podcast player of the show, and look for some stars, tap the stars, and then if you have an extra 30 seconds, 45 seconds to leave a review, it would just be so helpful, and mean so much to me. I read them all and I take into account everything that you say, so I can keep creating awesome content that you love, and that is helpful for you.
So as I said, today is part two of a three parts series on why high achieving women struggle in love. And in the first episode of the series, back in episode 190, I talked about your mindset around independence and how being, “Too independent,” actually holds you back in love. And hopefully I reframed what it means to be independent and be in a partnership. So if you haven’t listened to that, you definitely do not have to listen to that before you listen to this episode. However, make sure you queue up episode 190 in your podcast player because it is something that you’re going to want to listen to, because I find it to be one of the biggest blocks from my high achieving career-oriented women that I work with.
Back to today’s episode.
Today is all about using the same formula that you use to get that success you’ve had in your career, and apply it to your love life. And so for me, my formula pretty much ever since, I don’t know when I was 13, 14 and really obsessed with my grades, because I had to get into a good college. And then I got into college and how to get good grades, so I can get into a good grad school. And then I had to get good grades in grad school so I could get a good job. And then had to do really well at my job, so I could get promotions, and raises, and bonuses, and all of that stuff. And so basically the formula was study hard, work hard, and achieve more. I think I’m actually wired for that formula. I’m a type three on the Enneagram, which means I’m really motivated by succeeding and by conquering goals.
If you’re into astrology, I am also a Capricorn, and Capricorns love goals. They love achieving things. They love success and in a very physical way, they love climbing mountains. The Capricorn is represented by the mountain goat, and that’s pretty much where we are. And I’m also a Sagittarius Rising, and Sagittarius loves to set a goal, reach the goal, and then make another goal, and then reach the goal. And the Capricorn is what really helps me to actually do the things in order to manifest those goals.
Whether or not you believe in astrology or buy into it, I think I am very, very wired for success and it’s something that I have learned to really embrace, but then also to see its limitations. So I can really embrace this part of me because I do believe that it’s a big reason why I’ve had success in my business, and have moved faster than some of my other peers. Not because I’m better or smarter, it’s just because I don’t mind a long to-do list, and I have a lot of self discipline around that.
At the same time it can really hold me back, because I can take a lot of the emotion and heart out of my business. Not really meaning to, but I’m just trying to conquer out a to-do list … and because I’m just trying to knock out a to-do list, and sometimes I forget why I’m doing this thing in the first place. And therein lies the problem with using this success mentality or this achieve this, achieve that mentality when it comes to dating. There’s this belief that you just have to do all of the dating things, create the profile, pick through all of the potential partners, message them, and then it’s a numbers game. At some point you’ll go on a certain number of dates from those messages, and then a certain number of those dates will turn into a relationship. And then a certain number or one of those relationships will be the one, or the one you’ll get married.
And so you end up doing all these things without any kind of emotion or heart of why do you even want a relationship in the first place? What do you believe a relationship is going to give you? Because essentially the reasons why you want to achieve things financially, or in your career, or in your business is because you believe it’ll make you feel a certain way, right? That’s why you want everything.
So with a relationship, we don’t want a relationship just because we want a relationship. We want a relationship because we believe it’ll make us feel a certain way. Sometimes the way it’s going to make us feel is simply … it’s kind of make us feel validated, right? Whether or not that’s the best motivation doesn’t matter, but that might just be a reality for many of you listening. For some people, it might be some sort of fulfillment, or it might be just having that partner to share things with, and to do things with, whatever it is. But it’s also really easy to forget that when you’re just going through the motions and acting as if dating were a numbers game.
When it came to my success, also for a long time, I believed that emotions were for the weak, and they didn’t belong on my path to success because if I just would feel disappointed or if I would feel upset, if I got a bad grade, or didn’t do well at a work project, or whatever it is, if I would take the time to actually feel that, or to deal with that, then it was just a big waste of my time. And it was taking away time that I could be working towards the ultimate goal so that I could reach that success, so I could, “Not be sad but be happy instead.”
So here’s why that’s a problem and why the numbers game is a complete myth.
So I talked about my numbers game formula before on the podcast. I highly recommend you checking out that episode. I coached Stacy on this very issue. So if this is something you can relate to, then we’ll have that episode linked up in the show notes where you can go find it and listen.
Basically, the way I look at the numbers game, and I have to also give credit to how this formula came about, because actually my engineer husband came up with it. And it’s basically the idea of thinking of a scale from zero to 100 so zero being you are not emotionally available. You just want a relationship, but emotionally you may not actually be ready for relationship or willing to do what it takes to be in a real deep committed relationship. And then 100 is like you’re 100% there. You are open. You are emotional, all of those things, right? Most of us are going to be somewhere in the middle, but let’s just say your score is around 10, and we’re going to call it 10%.
Now let’s say you go on 100 dates, and you’re hovering at about a 10% on your emotional availability and readiness for the relationship you want. You go on 100 dates, a 10% that means about 10 of those dates are going to have any potential for any kind of longterm, which means all of those other 90 dates were a complete waste of your time, and didn’t go anywhere. You were ghosted, or you got ghosted, or they stood you up, or it was a one-date wonder, whatever. And that’s a really, really frustrating place to be. And it’s a place where it’s very easy to become jaded, to become really upset with yourself, and down on yourself thinking something is wrong with you. It’s a very easy place to begin hating men, or male bashing, or bashing the people that you want to be in a relationship with.
It’s just going to compound on itself and make it more and more difficult for you to be emotionally in the place you need to be to find the relationship you want. Now going back to that scale from 0 to a 100, think about if you’re closer to a 70% or an 80% which means you’re about 70% to 80% where you need to be in order to be really emotionally ready, and available for the relationship that you want. That means if you go out on 100 dates, then about 70 or 80 of them are going to have potential for a long term. That means you’re only wasting your time on about 20 to 30 dates. And that’s a lot better than wasting your time on about 90 dates.
So the point of this is yes, you’ve got to do something. You’ve got to ask friends to set you up. You’ve got to get online. You’ve got to say hi to the stranger at the coffee shop. You’ve got to approach that cute guy or gal at the work function, or at work, or at the bar, or at the gym, or wherever you are. You actually do have to show up, and do the work, but you can’t forget the emotion behind it. And really what I mean by measuring where you are on this scale is really, how willing are you to be vulnerable? How willing are you to potentially be rejected? Because that’s ultimately what being vulnerable is, and how willing are you to really be seen? And if you’re really being honest with yourself, if you’re really, really being honest with yourself, where are you on that scale?
I often ask this to women in my community, and to clients, and I find that a lot of people will give themselves a score of 70, or 80, or 90. And I’m like, really? You’re really willing to just be who you are, to take off the masks, to not please, to not try to earn the love or earn the validation, but just be you, be willing to be heartbroken, be willing to be rejected, all of those things? Then it’s like, “Oh yeah, maybe not quite that 70, 80, 90 range.” Most of us have a lot more emotional work that we need to do in order to be higher up on that scale. I also don’t believe anyone is 100%, because we’re human, and we’re all going to have some layer of protection or fear that we’re holding. I think that’s completely normal. I don’t think you have to be at 100%. I don’t even think that’s realistic to think you have to be at 100% in order to be in a place where you’re ready to find love, but it is something to consider.
If you’re just going through the motions of going on dates, and you’re not really available, or you have a lot of anger, or you have a lot of jadedness, then you’re just not really truly available and open for the relationship that you want. And you’re going to struggle a lot more. So yes, there are a lot of similarities between the path to success in your career and your love life, what you can more easily get away with in your career path is you can take the emotion out. Because let’s be honest, the career world is still very much a man’s world. Whether or not we like it, that is generally the truth, but when it comes to love and finding the relationship that you actually want to be in, you have to lead with your heart a lot more, and that’s a key difference, and that’s something that has to be learned and has to be a practiced.
I know the most frustrating part about this whole finding love thing is feeling stuck and you just don’t know what to do anymore. I know what it’s like to deeply want a committed relationship and real love, but only to keep attracting the wrong relationship over and over again. If that’s you, I want you to sign up for my free workshop. You can watch it now and it’s called the Five-step Strategy to Banish Anxiety and Overwhelm in your Love Life so you can attract a filling partnership and live a life of purpose. After working with hundreds of women, I know how to get you unstuck in love, and the common blocks patterns and self-sabotaging behaviors that keep many smart, successful women out of love. So to grab your seat, head over to VeronicaGrant.com/workshop, and remember it’s 100% free.
Thank you so much for listening to The Love Life Connection Podcast. If you’re looking for links or resources mentioned in the show, you can find the show notes to this episode and all previous episodes at VeronicaGrant.com/podcast. That’s also the place that you can sign up to be coached by me on the show. I’ll see you next week for a new episode of The Love Life Connection Podcast, and until then sending you lots of love.
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