This may sound crazy, but I’ve recently cut out most of the self-help outlets in my life. Yep, I unfollowed dozens of accounts, unsubscribed from podcasts, and unsubscribed from emails.
This seems kinda weird, since, well, I’m IN the self-help industry, but it dawned on me that I was completely addicted.
Let’s back up a bit:
We live in a world where we’re taught to be believe that we’re not good enough, and that something external can “fix” us.
For years I thought I was too fat, and what’s why I couldn’t get into a relationship. Maybe you think you’re too fat. Or maybe you’ve been told you’re too emotional, too masculine, or just too “much.”
All of these variations of beliefs lead to one conclusion:
I need to be fixed. I’m not good enough.
We get that message from movies, advertising, and even friends and family. So I turned to the self-help industry for understanding, comfort, and ultimately, healing.
I even recently did that with my relationship.
Oh, how can I make this relationship even better? What’s not working? Where do we need to communicate better?
For a long time, I didn’t put myself in Stevie’s shoes. It doesn’t feel good to have your partner constantly tell you that you need to better. Ouch. Talk about emasculating.
It started with one book, then another. One podcast, who recommends another, who recommends this book, and the list goes on.
Ultimately, what I got was a giant list of “should’s,” “ought to’s,” and “need to’s.”
Before I knew it, I was overwhelmed and daunted by all the things I wasn’t doing and the things I should stop doing.
My internal dialogue looked something like this:
- “Shit, I need to journal more.” “But I haaaate journaling.”
- “Damnit, I need to have a gratitude practice.” “Ahh, I can’t create yet ANOTHER thing to my morning/evening routines.”
- “TV is bad!!” *Feeling guilty when I watch TV or resenting Stevie when he watches TV.*
- “Small minds talk about people and events. Big minds talk about ideas.” (Side note – I seriously saw this as an “inspirational” quote on Instagram.) “So shit, every time I want to gossip about who they’re gonna pick on The Bachelor I have a small mind?!”
Before I knew what I was happening, I saw how much “self-help stuff” I wasn’t doing, and I was doing so many of the “wrong things.”
The inner turmoil and anxiety were debilitating and left an unsettling feeling every day and a tightness in my chest that I couldn’t shake.
It made me question who I was as a coach, my relationship, and everything I stood for.
And then it dawned on me: my desire to keep diving into self help was because underneath all that, I still had the belief that I wasn’t good enough.
Woah, big moment for me. I thought I had gotten “over” that.
It also dawned on me… at what point am I going to just LIVE my life rather than always try to improve my life? At what point am I going to BE in my relationship instead of try to improve?
And maybe…just maybe, those moments of having a moment with Stevie or with a friend or with myself or with Kappa had a lot more healing, learning, and growing than I was giving it credit for. Maybe I didn’t need to only get that stuff form a book.
I realized that this wasn’t who I was as a person or a coach.
The core of what I do in the Dating Mindset Bootcamp and with private clients is hold space for women to discover their own truth, yet I wasn’t doing that for myself.
I asked myself: What if everything you need is already inside of you, Veronica?
It’s just still covered up by a thick layer of “should’s,” “ought to’s,” and “need to’s?” So I hired a new life coach to help hold the space for me as I dug into what’s true for me, but everything else self help-wise was out.
I don’t need someone “telling” me what I should do, feel, or think.
I’m sick of being made to feel guilty because I enjoy TV. I’m sick of feeling like I’m less enlightened because I haven’t meditated on Machu Picchu or in Bali. And I’m sick of the organized religion bashing I see a lot of in self help.
Can’t we all do our thing without fear of judgement? Isn’t that the whole fucking point?
Now, I’m at a point where I only focus on my work with my coach who’s holding space for me and doing things that make me feel good every day.
Sometimes that means an extra long meditation session.
Sometimes that means binge watching Gilmore Girls. And I no longer let other self-help “experts” make me feel guilty for doing something so trivial.
I have to say, I’ve been SO much happier and more present in my relationship, business, and life.
And then I thought, if I’ve been feeling this way, there’s a good chance you’re feeling this way too or have at some point.
That’s why I’m inviting you to a brand new, free online soiree called:
I’m super passionate about this topic, and yes I totally get the irony of me being in the self-help industry. But honestly, no one is really talking about this, and I think it must be shared.
Just as movies give unrealistic expectations of relationships, self-help can give unrealistic expectations of our lives. I want to share with you what I’ve learned and how I use self-help in a way that’s actually HELPful.
I believe everything you need to find love is already inside of you.
You don’t need more “knowledge.” But tools and processes to access it can help, and so can someone holding the space for you to guide your transformation.
I’d love to be that person to hold the space for you as you remove your blocks from love and discover your own unique path towards love in an Online Soiree: Soulful Conversations on How the Self-Help Industry is keeping you from love, and what to do about it.
There are multiple times to join this free soiree next week (Including a Europe friendly time!), and I’ll send them to you after you sign up.
To save your seat, simple head over to: veronicagrant.com/selfhelp
You won’t just ‘intellectualize’ a bunch of info (that’s what the rest of self-help is right?!), think of this as an energy-clearing-relationship-envisioning-block-removing 60 juicy minutes.
For this online soiree, I want you to forget everything you’ve learned about finding love.
And I want you to know that It’s 100% possible for you to find love, without the overwhelm of wondering what you’re doing wrong, fixing yourself, or figuring out how all that “advice” applies to you.
In this soiree, you will:
- Learn how to get over your self-help addiction AND still get the support you need
- Know the one question to ask yourself to know if something you read in a book or hear on a podcast is BS, and if it even applies to you
- Experience an energy clearing process to help you discover your love blocks so you can remove them
- Discover the 3 things you really need to find love, and how to access it (Hint: It’s inside of you!)
I’ll also be opening up the line to answer your questions and to coach you through a relationship question or struggle.
Come with your questions, because at the end, I’m opening up the line and will be doing some LIVE coaching.
I’m also opening up enrollment to my signature program, the Dating Mindset Bootcamp, which’ll help you to be authentically you as you find love, in our swipe right/swipe left world.
Spots are limited to only 25 women, and the women in the soiree will get first dibs. So put the self-help books down and join me for this free, online soiree.
I hope to see you next week, and after you sign up, you’ll get a guide to help you prep for the soiree.
I’ll have some journaling questions for you, but also help you prep your space so you up your block removing, energy clearing mojo. Things like suggested candles, essential oils, sage, etc.