EP190: Why High Achieving, Successful Women Struggle in Love (Pt1) - Veronica Grant

Hello and welcome to episode number 190 of the Love Life Connection podcast. Thank you so much for tuning in. I am so excited to be back in your ear buds again this week and I have a fun little tip for you. So I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m just feeling like my energy is extra high today. I’m extra amped up to record this episode for you. And one of the reasons that it’s amped up is because I had a couple songs playing on my Spotify before I sat down and recorded. 

Sometimes if I’ve been working all morning and then I sit down and record, and my energy can feel a little low and I keep making a lot of mistakes and unsure about what I want to say on my podcast. And I’m like, “Oh God, are people going to think it’s stupid or am I going to make a mistake,” or whatever it is.

And so today, I decided to put on some tunes and I played All About That Bass by Megan Trainer. 

I tell you this because this is actually a really good tip if you tend to get really nervous or really all in your head before a date or even before like a big client meeting or a big meeting with your boss or a presentation, having fun and being silly and dancing and goofing off does is it just gets you in your body. It gets you to laugh at yourself and it gets you in the present moment. And all of those things are super key to I think be successful during high pressure or high stress moments. Again, whether it’s a first date or a meeting or an interview or whatever it is.

Look, I’m very aware of who my audience is. I know that some of you are listening to this thinking, yeah, I’m not doing that, Veronica. Nice try though. And I hear you and I want you to try it the next time you have a date or a big client meeting or a big meeting with your boss or a presentation or an interview or whatever it is, because I promise you it really works. Because once you get to those moments, all you can do is be present, be in your body, and have fun. At that point, all the preparation, all the inner child work, or all of the whatever you need to do in order up to that moment, like that’s done. Now you can go back to those things and review those things after that interview or date or whatever.

But once you get to that moment, you can’t do anything else but be in your body, have fun, and be in the present moment. And for me, I really love to… Yes, I love to visualize. Yes, I love to meditate and I do all those things. However, I just think that there is nothing quite like turning on like a favorite song and just moving your butt and dancing a little bit. And this is coming from a person who rolls their eyes at all those people that do dance videos on Instagram. And I still kind of roll my eyes because I’m like I think it’s just a little bit of an attention grab, but whatever. That’s my opinion. However, I do see the benefit of just dancing and putting on some music and having fun. So, I encourage you to do it. And if you do it, let me know. Come over to Instagram. I won’t make you post a video of it unless you really want to, but just let me know you did it and let me know how it turned out for you.

Okay, onto today’s episode. I’m super excited about today’s episode. Today is part one of a three part series on why high achieving women struggle in love. Now this is a three part series for my solo episode, so the episodes between these will be the regular coaching call episodes. So the final episode in this series will come out in late November. So make sure you’re subscribed to wherever you listen to podcasts so that you don’t miss any of the episodes. And speaking of coaching episodes, if you do want to be coached by me here on the podcast, I’ve got a few spots open for the rest of 2019, so head over to VeronicaGrant.com/podcast. That’s the place you can sign up to be coached by me on the podcast. And it’s also a great place to check out all of the archives of this entire podcast.

We have almost 200 episodes and actually a lot more than that if you include a lot of the bonus episodes. And I was doing quickie episodes that were unnumbered for a long time, so there’s actually a lot more than 200 episodes. So, what I recommend is checking out the search bar and you can just type in a couple of key words and see what episodes pop up for you. And you can also look at some of the curated playlists that I’ve made. I made a little list for episodes that are good to start here. So if you’re newer to the podcast, that’s a good place or listen to some of the most popular episodes. That’s a great place to start. Or just to re-listen to some oldies but goodies if you’ve been around the block a time or two here with me.

Okay, so today again, part one of a three part series on why high achieving women’s struggle in love, and the purpose of these episodes are to do three things. The first thing is I want to normalize the very real and unique challenges that ambitious women face in the dating pool. Number two, I want to give you a couple of mindset shifts so that you can see these “challenges” as actual opportunities for your love life. And number three, I want to make sure you have some actionable steps you can take away and you’re going to get actionable steps after every single one of these three episodes. Make sure you listen to the end so you can take those steps and start making changes in your love life. And I’m going to do my best to make these episodes short and sweet because I know you’re busy, you’ve got a lot of things to do, and so I want to make sure we can get in, get out, and you get the information that you need.

The Independence Complex

So, the first reason why I believe it’s challenging for ambitious goal oriented women to find love is what I’m calling the independence complex. Now when we talk about independence, we have to talk a little bit about feminine and masculine energy. This is not an episode on feminine and masculine energy. However, I do think it’s important to understand the basics of that, so you can see why being independent can actually be a hindrance and how you actually can be independent and be in a relationship at the same time. And that’s probably the ideal scenario for most of you if you want to call in a partnership. So feminine, masculine energy really quick has nothing to do with male, female, so if you are a woman who is bi or queer or interested only in other women, just know that this still applies to you. And if it doesn’t feel comfortable to think of feminine, masculine energy, if that just feels too heteronormative, I get it.

You can also think of it as yen and yang or you can think of it as sun and moon energy. Moon energy is more feminine, more yen energy. Masculine energy is sun energy, yang energy. I’m going to use the words feminine, masculine, but you just think of the words that serve you the best. Anyways, feminine, masculine energy has nothing to do with male, female. Both men and women, gay or straight need feminine and masculine energy. That’s basically just how you use your energy and how your energy can replenish you. Masculine energy is the energy of doing, feminine energy is the energy of being. I like to think of a river. So, the masculine energy is like the structure of the river and you need to have like the riverbank and the sides of the river and all of those things. Because if you didn’t have all of that, then you would just have a big flood.

And so, the masculine energy really holds the structure and it holds the space for the feminine energy. And now, feminine energy is the energy of being. It’s the energy of emotion. It’s the energy of receiving. It’s the energy of creativity. And it does its best when it’s able to operate fully and completely within the structure of the masculine energy. So going back to that river analogy, if there was no river bank, then you would just have a big flood. Again, you would not really have a river if you only had the water. So, they both work beautifully together and it’s really how you can, I think, be the most productive and also the most present person as an individual. And also it’s what creates the passion and excitement in a relationship, especially over the long term.

Some brief examples. 

Right now, I am writing my book and it’s very masculine to actually sit down and like type type, type, type type, right? Like that’s masculine. I have three hours on the calendar today to write my book. That is masculine. There is a structure, there are things that I have to do. But if I was just in that masculine energy 100%, it would feel very constructed, like, oh God, have to write the book. Right? I’d have a really hard time doing it and it probably wouldn’t be that great to read and you’d probably read it and be like, “Veronica, this is crap.” But if I can also bring in some feminine energy and maybe have some music on or have a candle or dance a little bit, if I’m feeling a little bit stuck with my words, then I can be more present and then I can really feel into my heart and soul of what I want to talk about. And then what I want to share can so much more easily come onto the page and it’s going to be so much more of a pleasant read.

So, that’s really how the two energies work together within a relationship or also just within your life, doing the things that you’re doing every single day. If today’s conversation resonated with you and this feels like something you need, it’s possible.

Now for a long time of my life, I really struggled with being feminine because I just saw the women in my family as kind of weak and overly emotional. The men were the ones who were either calling the shots in their career or in the family, or I just saw women wanting to be validated by others, specifically men, for what they looked like or what their body size was. And so, I learned that I just want it to be super independent, AKA masculine, because I don’t want to have to be like that. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to be overly emotional. And I certainly didn’t want to be reliant on a man. And so, I decided that being feminine was weak and I wasn’t interested in it. And I saw being feminist as being just super independent and not needing anyone.

But here’s where it becomes a problem. It’s easy to create a belief that if you were to get into relationship, you’d be giving up your independence or going back on your feminist values. But the thing is is that you can’t keep holding onto that and want a relationship at the same time, because the two just simply don’t go together. Because when you’re in a relationship, things will change. You might need to discuss your calendar versus your partner’s calendar, so you can make time to see each other every week. That might feel like an infringement on your independence. You might have to consider someone else’s feelings or find more balance in your work life. That can all feel really, really uncomfortable, but the truth is that people need to feel needed in a relationship.

Again, we talked about the masculine energy and what that energy looks like and what it feels like. And if there’s nothing that that masculine energy can hold, there’s no feminine energy in that, then they’re just going to not feel needed and there’s just not going to be that vulnerability, that space to have that emotional connection, and the relationship just go do, do, do, and just fall apart. Like it’s just not really going to go in the way that you want it to go. So if you’re not allowing anyone in, you never allow yourself to shift things around in your schedule to make space for someone, or you don’t allow someone to support you or help you in any way, it’s going to be really hard for anyone to stick around.


Or on the flip side, what I see to be common is because you’re so much in your masculine, you’ll attract men who are way too much in their feminine or just the partner if you’re not necessarily interested in men, who are too much in their feminine. And you’re going to end up taking care of them like you’re their mother. And that’s not going to be super fun either. So, I believe we live in a society that still subtly says you have to choose between career or a relationship. But here’s what I believe to be true and I believe there are plenty of other people including potential partners who believe this too. It’s not anti-feminist or weak of you to want a partner. It’s not weak of you to consider someone else before making decisions in your life. You can be super independent and in partnership.

I traveled internationally three times in 2018, twice without my partner and only once with him. I have my own business. I call my own shots in my business, I have my own bank accounts, I have my own 401k, I have my own Roth accounts, I have my own friends. I go to Orange Theory, I go to yoga, and I do a lot of things outside of my relationship with my husband. The idea of being independent is also just a big myth. You may not need a partner specifically, and I believe we don’t need a partner. However, it’s okay to want one, but as a human, you do need people. People who don’t have close relationships with others in their life have just as bad health as smokers. Also, let’s not forget that unless you’re literally living off the grid, you rely on others. You rely on your employer to employ you or you rely on your employees to help you run your company. You rely on farmers to show up and do their jobs, so you have food to eat. You rely on people to get that food to you. You rely on people who know how to create cars, to create your home, to create your phones, all the things that you use every single day.

I think you get the point. So right now, it’s time to stop the myth that you’re just independent or you’re too independent for love. It’s a lie you’re telling yourself to justify why nothing has worked out before. You just have to decide that you’re going to stop believing the lie that you’re too independent for love, or that it’s weak to want a partner or man. I highly recommend you check out some high achieving women already in the career and business space who have a successful relationship and look how they’ve been able to build a successful family and business. One of my favorite, favorite women out there is Sara Blakely. She is so into her husband, if you look at her Instagram stories, and she’s got four fricking kids. And she has an amazing business, and would anyone ever think, “Oh, she’s weak or she’s not feminist because she wanted to get married and have kids.” Like hell no.

It’s just something that she wanted and she wanted to keep having her business, and that’s what she did. And there’s tons of other women like that, so I highly encourage you to seek them out, follow them on Instagram, get inspired so that you can start reprogramming your brain to believe that you can be independent, you can be successful, and you can want love. 

Action Steps

So, I’m going to give you three action steps that you can take from this episode. 

The first step I already said is to look up Sara Blakely or other women in the business or entrepreneurial space who have had a lot of success in their business and also in their personal life. So I love Sara Blakely, there are tons of others, and I would encourage you to look them up, read their memoirs or follow them on Instagram or read their blog if they have one or just do something to help you get inspired.

And the second thing is I want you to create some new beliefs. So instead of thinking I’m too independent or I have to give up who I am or I have to give up my career in order for love or whatever your exact belief is, here’s some ideas that you can replace it with. I have two ideas. The first is you can say to yourself, I can have my independence and be in partnership. You can also say I don’t have to give up who I am, my career, or values for love. And then, the third step I want you to do is if you fully believed one or both of these thoughts, what would you do differently instead? Would you ask your friends to set you up with someone? Would you go to work functions or other social events? Would you walk up to a cute guy or gal somewhere where you already frequent, the gym, the coffee shop, the hotel bar, work functions, etcetera, etcetera?

So, let me know what action steps you end up taking and what your insights were or what you learned. I’m a @veronicaegrant on Instagram. And if you’re not an Instagram, totally get it. Send me an email over at veronicagrant.com/contact and let me know what you learned about yourself or what you did differently. I hope you love this episode and it gave you something to chew on. In two weeks I’ll be back with part two of this series where I’ll talk about how the things you did succeed in your career don’t necessarily translate to your love life, and what to do about that. 

I’ll see you then.

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